Lost and Found

I'm so tired of never getting ahead by telling the truth. All the truth seems to get you is docked points, no job interviews, and loneliness. I wish this could change, or that someone would take heart and more than "appreciating your honesty," reward you for it. I knew the reward is supposed to be internal, whether it's feeling good about yourself or sleeping better at night, but it's hard when all those things you need to validate yourself are taken away by the truth. Things like good jobs, good grades, and a multitude of others.

It's even harder each day for me when everything just seems to go wrong for me. I keep learning more and more about the brain and psychology, but I can't seem to let it help me out of my frequent depressive moods. And I try so hard to not admit that I have depression, but the one time I did to Mark, he said I didn't. I am not trying to make light of the disorder, but I know that it operates on a spectrum from mild, to moderate, to severe and life threatening. I also don't want medication, but my Mom keeps insisting it would help me. I really should see a counselor, but in all honesty, I don't have the right time. When they are open and available, I am in class or working. I just feel so lost as to how to get out of this rut.

I thought my life would be so different then the way it is today. In fact, quite the opposite. I saw myself at a good college, a killer GPA, with a group of new friends, and a some best friends that I could tell anything to. I saw a better in shape me, involved in clubs, and writing for a school paper, and singing and performing all the time. I saw a great boy friend whom my parents and friends loved, who loved me for me. Instead, I am at a large college with a 2.68 GPA, with mountains of loans, little to no friends, and certainly no best friends. I am in the worse shape of my life, gaining weight like there is no tomorrow. And I haven't been in a club since freshman year. And writing? This is as close as I get to a school newspaper. I never sing past my own car or shower, and even that is infrequent. As far as boy friends go, I am with a boy for a year, who can't say he is "in love" with me. This is not to mention that job that I hate, my unforeseeable housing situation, and my current rooming situation with passive aggressive roommates. When is it going to change? There is only so much I can do to try and keep getting shot down before I just break and can't try anymore.

I'm I unable to be happy for long, extended periods of time? Sure I can be happy when something good happens or when Mark is around, but even then it's not for a long time. Something always bogs me down. Whether it's crappy classes, or bad grades or past mistakes. I regret changing schools but i wouldn't if i was happy here. The money wouldn't even matter, but now it's all I can think about. Debt. If I had stayed at st rose, I would be out of debt in less than 5 years. And I miss being a person, more than just a number. I wish someone knew my name. My calc teacher does. Hopefully my 200 levels will be different. I will get all A's next semester, bring my GPA up for my senior year and applications to grad school. I'm tired of being lonely. Lonely in a crowd of family. Like this past thanksgiving that became a sharefest between all the new york cousins and their great times together. And there I sat, alone with not a story to tell. I did this to myself. Sometimes I hate myself and all parts of me I see in others. I see all my old friends from st Rose on facebook and imagine what my life could have been if i had given myself the time and put out the effort to be close to them. People like Val and Teresa and Chelsea and Lizzie and Kate and Dalisa. I miss them. I could have had good friends. I ruined it.

Things I want right now.
Sephora's favorites in My First Makeup Kit, LashStash, and Radiant Skin Regimen.
Frye 12r Engineer Boots
Columbia Kosta Run Jacket in Teal
hair curlers
Samsung Alias 2
sexy underwear
new classes
dark blue framed glasses
to have never left Saint Rose
to be 130 lbs.

Those are about the tops right now. If anyone can fulfill those, let me know. I certainly can't seem to. Oh well. Sometimes I find myself wishing so hard that things will change, that I can change the past. I forget it's impossible and wishing is only a waste of time. Then why do keep doing it every spare thought I have?

Last night I had a full blown sex dream amidst this weird nightmarish sleep. And it wasn't about Mark. It was Luke. I rarely ever have sex dreams, I think this might be my second and that's a stretch but this one included bodily reactions so it was complete. If only I could have those every night. But it was so odd. I haven't thought about Luke is ages and I am happy with Mark. I guess it's my subconscious telling me I would be better off lusting for someone from afar then have my heart invested in someone who more than likely never give me his. Yes he loves me and takes care of me but there is always this niggling fear in the back of my mind that he will just not be able to handle it and leave.
I hate not having friends and jumping at the chance the someone is actually speaking to me, but it never happens. I feel just as lonely and isolated as I did at St. Rose. And it started out so well, but second semester was completely down hill. The whole Geoff incident and realizing my "friends" sided with someone who was verbally assaulting me. And then Jackie taking over my group of friends, my guy friends especially Alex, who was crushin on so hard. But at least i had a semblance of friendship there with Val. And they were going to ask me to live with them. It makes me anxious when I think about how badly I want to rewind and change my decision. I know my mom would say i need medication, but it is normal to be anxious about something that is going to affect my life for years to come, this debt I have incurred and the bad grades. God, it makes me nervous, my heart starts to beat faster. I have been trying to make the best of it here. I am going to call Wendy Wheeler sometime next week and see if she knows if I could return there for my senior year with my old scholarship. I would love it if i could. I would be closer to Mark, I would know people there and have my family there. I think I am beginning to realize how much I miss my family.
I need help so much. I need friends and advisors. I need family. I never thought I would say this, but I need St. Rose. At least one good thing will come of this. I won't be as stubborn and close-minded as I was.

Food is vicious cycle. Let's think of why we eat. We eat to survive. We eat for pleasure. We eat to fill the time. We eat to make ourselves feel better. We eat to eat.So let's say you make dinner. A delicious pasta meal. A large helping doesn't seem to fill the empty pit of your stomach so you have more. Then after all that salty delicious real food, you crave something sweet, so you grab some reese's cups. But then that grainy chocolately richness needs something sweet and juicy to wash it down, so you wolf down an orange or drink some soda, which is cold on your stomach and you need something warm to soothe it. Do you see where I am going with this? Or how about you don't go the gym and you feel down about yourself, believe yourself to be large globular blob of lard or something to that effect. So you eat to ease your pain. Or you eat and promise to work out harder the next day. Or you say this is my last indulgence, I will be healthy tomorrow, so you eat more than you normally would in preparation for not having that decadent deliciousness tomorrow. Or how about those days when you miss meal and then indulge in whopping meal later. Unfortunately I am stuck in this cycle. I don't know how to escape it. Am I alone?

So today's attitude is to work with what I've got. I know, catchy, mysterious title right? But really, living in my regret isn't going to make me any happier, so I am trying (trying being the key word) to move on and learn from my impulsivity. I think I just made a word up, but it's all good. I am in a relatively good mood, but perhaps that is due to skipping my first two classes. Granted I was actually sick and feeling rather asthmatic at the time, so it wasn't truly playing hookey, but you catch my drift. Also my good mood could be due to the vitamin I took that has milligrams of caffeine in it, and that always makes me happy. But I also get a major caffeine low hours later. Is that normal? It's literally like I am so energized and happy I am almost high, but then I crash later in a semi depressive state and I want to cry a lot. That could also be due to repressed emotion and the fact that no one hugs anymore. I know, how sad. But I thrive on human contact. It's one of the reasons I miss people like Larami and Val so much, as they thrive on giving human contact. Larami and I were constantly touching and embracing (in a completely platonic way for all you pervys out there) and I was so much happier then. But that was only one variable to my happiness in the good ole days. That fact that I actually had close friends then might actually have contributed to it somewhat. But again, can't let myself drown in the pool of regret that's quickly growing in to an ocean of sorts.

In other news, these coming 7 days are going to be rather hellacious. Exams have come for their second round already. On friday, naturally, I have my two most difficult exams.

How can you live life without regret? I've heard so many quotes and speeches on the matter, but honestly, can you say you have no regrets about anything you have ever done? I know everyone makes mistakes and some of those must be big enough to bear some regret. I have altogether too much regret. And it's being to come to a culmination as each day passes. Recently I have been dwelling on possible mistakes more than ever. Such as my choice in major, and how I transferred. I transferred under the impression I would make more friends like me a bigger university but instead I am unhappier here than I was at St. Rose. And there I would not be in thousands upon thousands of dollars of debt. Quite honestly, the only thing I've gained by transferring was meeting Mark. And even that is bringing me more heartache then happiness these days. I had such a good outlook on coming here, but now more than ever I can see myself at St. Rose.

My family and I met in the Adirondacks this weekend and camped there and then drove down to Albany to surprise my Mom's family. And there I saw Aunt Wendy, who works at St. Rose. She asked where I was at school now and if I liked it and I found myself saying I actually missed St. Rose. That's the first time I ever said that, but it came out without thinking. And since then, I can't stop thinking about it. I had a freakin full scholarship there! I would have been able to live with Val and Suze and Katie and pay a heck of a lot less for rent and I wouldn't have the money worries I do now. And my grades were so much better there. I wish I wasn't so impulsive in my big decision making. Granted I forget in my regret, all the reasons I left, such as Geoff and Jackie and every other fake mean spirited person there. But I am beginning to think the friends I had there outweighed the enemies of sorts.

On more topics of regret, I really regret not going to Maine with my family. I don't even remember my reason why, but I stayed behind in Albany, more than likely because I was mad at my Mom for one thing or the other and it was my way of spiting her. Which makes me think that regret is only a part of growing up and maturing, realizing the opportunities you missed out on or botched because of immaturity.

How fitting that today's writer's block deals with sickness. I am sure I am not the only one of that mindset. Being that time of year, I am certain others are thinking it's serendipitous as well. But all the same, I would love to gripe about how when I am sick, I absolutely abhor being alone. Naturally, I am alone. I love most to be taken care of with someone to soothe me and brush my hair back from my face and hug me and kiss my forehead. When I am sick I have this tendency to sink into depression since my body, which I have control over normally, joins the rest of my life, which always seems just out of reach of my control.

Sitting in my first apartment and watching bridget jones's diary is quite inspiring when you think about it. Bridget has her ups and downs and ends on an up. Which reminds me, I need to get some food
seltzer water
angel hair pasta
lettuce
veggies
fruit
Sometimes I envy anorexics. I know that is horribly wrong in so many ways, but I feel like if I was like that I would stop when I was thinner, but it's a disease of the mind, they never think they are thin enough. What is wrong with me? I am so addicted to food. I am the heaviest I've been in my whole life. I work out and eat healthy and so heavy still. None of my summer clothes fit, except for those with elastic in the waist band... Fail. And MArk says he loves me just as I am, just like Darcy in Bridget jones, but i want to love me just the way I am. But I can't. I want to love a healthier me, a better in shape me that makes friends and goes outside and has fun with people I know.

Parents are coming soon, this coming Sat. One week and I will have a bed and furniture and my life will begin to get in order. And hopefully we will have a couch by then. And maybe I will have more hours of work or get the front desk job at that hotel.

The fight scene between hugh grant and Darcy is possibly the best scene of all time. hahahah. Love movies for making me feel better. Books are right up there too. Did I mention I got my burlington library card on which I can rent up to 25 books and 3 movies! Pretty sweet and sad that that's my highlight of the week. What a nerd I am.

Did you ever notice how musical and almost beautiful broken glass sounds?

It's amusing how life works. The first semester I actually miss my family and am looking forward to seeing them, they might not be coming up to Ny for Thanksgiving. I am starting to appreciate how short life is and how disconnected I am from my little brothers. What are they going look back on and remember me by? Me being so far away in college? I want them to remember me and what a good sister was and I am realizing I never made much time for them. I was lazy and infatuated with my own life and friends. I loved them and I defended them whenever Laura or my mom was giving them a hard time and I try to be the lawful one and fair. And then there's laura, a lost cause. I spend time with her and I love her, but she never returns the love other than a superficial "I love you" in a cutesy voice. Sometimes I think she does love me, but she doesn't appreciate me. She is always throwing me under the bus so to speak. And not to mention my parents. I love my Mom and Dad. Granted I went through stages where I hated my Mom and rightfully so. She did things that I abhor and go so against my grains. But now I've gotten to the point where life is short and feel sorry for my mom just like I would any other human being and life is too short to hate or dislike those who are close to you. My mom did things she thought was right and maybe she is lazy sometimes, but so am I. I love my Dad too, the other lawful logical one in the house. He works so hard and gets almost nothing back in a job that he hates and life is short. I can't imagine working a job I don't like for the rest of my life, and he hates it. I just want to be able to give back to him and make him happy. I want to commemerate him in a story. I want to write a story about my Dad's life as a present to him. Writing for him. That he will understand and really like. That will be my life's gift to him. I'll work on what to give my mom. Someday when I genuinely want to give her something. I won't fake it. I just regret time not spent with my family. Mom was right. But I remember so fondly time spend with friends. I am torn. Would I do it differently? Heck if I know. There are some things would do differently for sure. I would kiss Caleb at the prom, on the cheek. I would have kissed Colt too. Other than that nothing sticks out that I would really change. Maybe my view on myself when I was younger and maybe my work ethic. But I think turned out alright so far. And here I am, almost done being a teenager. It's crazy paced world. Kayla Lee and I have been emailing back and forth and its so satisfying to be able to email someone, especially her, who I haven't heard from in ages and I really do miss her presence in my life. And she is doing so well. I really hope to remain in contact with her this time. She is someone I really respect and admire. Just like Jenna and Nic. Oh I miss them. Jenna more than anyone, but she is busy girl. It's like she has two sets of lives. Her alleghany life and her BU life with nic interspersed. I am jealous of that. A little Meggie thrown in, a dash or so of a phone call every so often. No time for even video chats these days. Ah I can breathe now. That was really weighing heavy on my chest. Ah, breath.